Gender has been on my mind a lot lately, partially because several of my papers have been (at least in part) about gender, and today, after I read about Laura Jane Grace, I’ve been unable to get it off my mind. (Tumblr usually spurs questions of gender and sexuality anyway, which is probably a big part of what keeps me here.)
I identify as a woman (which is what I was born as) , but referring to myself as one weirds me out, for some reason. It’s almost like I try to forget about gender even though, as a feminist, it’s something that comes up pretty much daily. I definitely don’t feel male, though, as much as I’ve often wished I did. There have been times when I’ve been pretty sure that I was a gay man in a straight woman’s body, but tons of people say that shit. My renewed interest in makeup and vanity in general has further complicated things, but now I have something further anchoring me to feminine “norms,” whereas before, I suppose I had even less to make me feel feminine.
I’m kind of just typing as I think and getting some thoughts out. I know this is something a lot of us think about and have to muddle through. Sometimes it’s tiring and weird.
I wonder how much I confused my classmates when I read from my final CNF revision, which had a lot of shit about gender and sexuality. In my first draft, I think they all assumed I was a lesbian. Now, they probably just think I’m weird. (I made it clear, though, that I’m not a lesbian. I’ll identify as queer, but I usually feel kind of bad about it because I’m practically sexless and feel weird with any sexual identity.)